Dissociative Driving

Just Vibes #1 - I am a jar of many emotions shaken around by the turbulence of April

My eyes are heavy
my limbs full of iron and bone
and I awaken into a reality I didn’t realize I was setting camp in

The month of April came and went
not as quickly as February,
not as lonesome as March,
but in its own way April came like a sounding gong
drawn out and deep, the sound of it reverberating into your core
Short in the grand scheme of things
but an aftertaste of someone who didn’t want to let go.

The scents, the colors, the dim lights,
I am a stranger in someone else’s enclosure. This cave
of creation is brand new, and I am unsure of my every step.
New experiences can sometimes feel like
unbroken boots
Every step forward is a blister in the making
until the leather softens up
molds itself more comfortably
Or maybe its my flesh getting stronger through the pain
either way, it’s an adjustment period

Quiet brain days are rare occurrences lately,
the anxiety caused by my current reality has set in
my thoughts refuse to calm down.

I have recently rediscovered the joy of processing emotions
by singing in parking lots
and scream performing in the car alone.

I think this has been the most I’ve spent alone in the last 3 years.

I wish I could process grief in proper stages
Go through each checkpoint and know for certain
that it all lies behind you
Have it be neat and pretty and standardized

But grief is messy just as I am messy.
It slithers in when it wants

Grief accosted me one day as I was driving down the same road home,
the sun a pretty orange, setting in the horizon.
Nothing odd had happened,
just a color and a memory
And I am once again in the arms of someone I can no longer hold

Grief doesn’t care if it blinds you while you’re driving.

But the sun still sets and the stars
still does its best to peak behind the navy cloak of the night
And the girl in the mirror still has my mother’s smile
and my father’s eyes.
And somewhere in her ribcage is a beat she cannot help but hear
it hums
hopehopehope

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I’m trying a new thing where I post my longer pieces as actual posts. Just vibes is gonna be my lil prose and poetry section (and maybe song snippets if I finally get around to being less shy about recording my process). As a first entry this is a good recap of what April 2025 felt like to me.

Hope y’all are having a kind May.

Dhan xx