Finding Balance

A dive into walking fine lines, loving nuances and unlearning deep seated fears

Hello my friend, it’s been a while,

The first two months of 2025 has been an exercise on finding balance.

I had to walk the fine line between fighting for myself and walking away. Both are beneficial but in very different ways. And both were ways in which I was defending myself anyways.

I realized that walking away from a fight can be seen as you not fighting for yourself. In many instances, backing down may be an act of self betrayal, especially if the intention behind it is against your best interest. With a little bit of nuance, it may just be the best way to fight for yourself.

I love nuance. I think it’s an important ingredient in the process of finding balance. It gives you the perspective shift to zoom out and see the situation from a different angle.

As someone with bipolar disorder, I tend to live in the extremes. I swing hard between maniacal happiness and crippling depression. Life’s curveballs aggravate my entire system and is the perfect environment for the pendulum to swing hard.

Recently, I spoke to a friend about a situation that I consider a personal failure. I told him that I could feel my depression sinking its teeth into my flesh and how shame was a daily lullaby. He then asked me a question that felt like someone took my heart out of my chest but also cupped it like a little baby bird.

“Do you think your friends will stop being your friend just because you failed?”

This was of course said without judgement, just an inquiry to self assess, but it hit the exact shape of fear that I’d been carrying all my life. I was afraid that love was conditional to my success. Beliefs are so weird, they form when you’re young so you forget, then someone questions it and you’re slapped on the face by its existence in your head.

Here’s the thing, I’ve been in a measuring contest with my ideal self as far as I can remember. It’s a very recent development that I’ve been opting out of the competition. I’m getting better at keeping the measuring stick inside the pockets of my consciousness. I have yet to actually chuck the damn thing away.

It is important to note that the realization made me feel more inclined to let my friends see my blunders and to hold my hand through it. It was also a good way to prove to myself that my worth is not measured by material success nor is it tied to it. I am fortunately swimming with love that stems from deep knowing and acceptance.

I once wrote that my love is like a river, it flows and flows. I am honored to realize my loved ones love me in the same way.

My resolution this year was to find balance in all aspects of my life. The universe listened and is now giving me the tools and opportunities to achieve it. Balance is a muscle I need to develop, I’m grateful for the opportunity to exercise it.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of the universe, asking it to help her love herself better.

To a year of finding balance,

Dhan xx